Love Was Never Meant to Be Comfortable
- Ryan Lefler, LPC
- 2 minutes ago
- 10 min read
As I sit, locked into a deep and passionate conversation culminated by years of a struggling marriage from the couple in front of me, I hear the words “I just want you to show me that you love me.” My ears perked up and I intruded, “How would you like him to show you that he loves you?” I expected a sharp well-thought out answer to the question, but to my surprise that’s not what I received. Her head dropped and shoulders slumped as she let out a subtle sigh, “I’m not even sure anymore.” How could this be? The entirety of marriage is propped up on the foundation of love. It’s a word and emotion we all know and feel. Yet, when asked the simplest question of how it should be expressed, the answer is commonly elusive. If I had asked the client to describe to me how anger, jealousy, or sadness could be expressed I am confident she would have provided a more than adequate answer, but with love? Why is it so hard to describe what it looks like? Our hearts long for it and we know we’ve felt it before, like a good dream we have had as a kid. Perhaps the world has blinded us with Cupid and his little arrow, or the idea of meeting the love of your life on reality TV after a few hours conversation behind a wall, or maybe it is the constant drip of being told that hurting someone’s feelings does not reflect love and that the true way of expressing it is by filtering every thought you have at the benefit of others.
The obscurity of love and its definition has not only been a problem in this couple’s conversation but throughout many different sessions and an array of different topics with different people. Parents come in time and time again feeling like they are stuck between loving their child or hurting them as the child’s behaviors and attitudes only worsen. Couples demand unsustainable goals and expectations from their partners all in the name of love, or the numerous Christians that come in convicted about their faith, judgments, sins, and compassion all distorted because they know it must be done in love but cannot define it with any certainty. It was a constant pattern that demanded an answer so I turned where we always should when in search of truth, to God. And there it was, spelled out in 1 John chapter 4 (NIV & ESV): “God is love,” “Love is from God,” “His love is perfected in us,” “We love because He first loved us.” It was crystal clear, love is objective not subjective.
I had been asking the wrong question all this time. I had been asking clients for their own definition of love and they couldn’t answer it because it's not theirs to define. There are common themes in people’s own definitions: euphoria, compassion, joy, but most devastatingly: comfort. There it was. Like the anticipation of watching a firework shoot through the sky and wondering about the color, size, and shape and then finally erupting and instantly removing all curiosity. Oh, we replace God’s objective definition of love with our subjective definition of comfort. It is why people cannot define it, because the ideas contrast in our own minds and hearts. We want to love our kids, but making them uncomfortable makes parents feel uncomfortable. We want to feel secure and heard in a relationship, so we make impossible demands to try and give us comfort. We want to follow God’s commands to us, but making others feel discomfort feels like the opposite of love. When we take God's definition and swap it with our human definition it then generates confusion and often, despair.
So what then is God’s objective definition of love? While there are a few examples, we are going to start with the verse, “God is Love.” There is no trick here; it is just as it seems. God’s entire character reflects love’s definition. To test your middle school algebra, we now know from the verse that we can interchange the words God and love to give a better understanding to the verse from 1 Corinthians: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. [It is not rude], it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres," (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NIV). This gives us a great understanding of love and God’s own character. I now want to focus on the lines: “[Love] is not self-seeking,” and “[Love] rejoices with the truth,” because it is here that we see the breakdown of our own quest for comfort. If we make choices based on our own comfort opposed to what is right or true, we are actually doing the contrary of how God has asked us to love. It may feel like love, but it is quite the opposite. While God's character and showcase of love does bring us peace and contentment, God’s own demonstration of his love is not typically comforting in its action. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us," (Romans 5:8, NIV). "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,” (John 3:16, NIV). It is not sunshine and rainbows when picturing the torture and execution of Jesus Christ. It is a very difficult concept to understand that the most loving action in the world is also the most horrifying. It doesn’t say because God loved the world, he made everyone happy and comfortable. When God demonstrates how he loves, he presents it with two major principles: sacrifice and understanding. He physically sacrifices his own Son as a grand gesture of love while simultaneously understanding that we do not deserve it and are incapable of earning it.
I bet when you think of sacrifice, your mind immediately goes to the large things that you are extremely aware of like time, money, and energy. Yes, these are grand gestures, but, more often than not they are done out of necessity and not out of love, thrown in spouse’s or children's faces when the arguments are convenient. I can’t count how many men answer me with a bold “Yes, of course” when asked if they would die for their wife. Yet, they slouch defeated when I point out they can’t even sacrifice the smallest amounts of themselves when asked for help with something they don’t care for. Our lives are made of a long chain of small moments with big things happening every now and then. A large mistake many people make is not focusing on the small things that in the end will always matter more. Patience requires the sacrifice of our own timeline, kindness requires the sacrifice of contempt, forgiveness requires the sacrifice of grudges and love requires the sacrifice of comfort.
What happens when we apply the objective definition to our own individual lives and sacrifice our own comfort for actual love? Well, it may just look like consistently upsetting your kids since you love them enough to promote a successful future instead of a comfortable present because “Love is patient.” Possibly it looks like sacrificing your own opinions, expectations, and ways of doing things for your spouse regardless of the reason, or being quick to apologize because, “Love is not easily angered and it keeps no records of wrong.” Or maybe it's following the firm hand of God that guides us to a more fruitful life and not chasing comfort because, “Love rejoices in truth” regardless of how it makes someone feel. So the next time someone asks you, “How do you want to be loved?” You can say, “The way God loves me.”
The Season of Giving Is Here
The season of giving is here, and what better way to celebrate than by making a lasting difference for families in need. This season has already been filled with incredible generosity from new partners joining our mission and from faithful supporters who continue to make hope and healing possible for so many.
The 6th Annual Christmas Raffle is another opportunity to celebrate that spirit of giving. With only 300 tickets available, it combines the excitement of unique, high-value prizes with the joy of making a difference.
Each ticket purchased gives you the chance to win something truly special while helping more families access the counseling, care, and hope they deserve.
🎟 Tickets: $100 each | Only 300 available
📅 Live Drawing: Tuesday, December 16th
Other great prizes include:
• Signed Chiefs Super Bowl Seat Back
• Chiefs Playoff Tickets
• Panache Wine & Chocolate Tasting for 12
• Ooni Koda Pizza Oven
• Kansas City Foodie Bundle
We are still adding a few more special prizes, each one another opportunity to celebrate generosity and the impact it creates.
Join us today and make this season one of generosity, joy, and impact.
Let’s finish 2025 strong together and turn generosity into hope.
A Season of Purpose, Joy, and Gratitude
As the colors of fall settle in and Thanksgiving draws near, our hearts are overflowing with gratitude for the many ways you have supported this mission throughout the year. From new monthly donors and sponsors who have recently joined our partnership community to long-time supporters who continue to give faithfully, every act of generosity is making a real and lasting impact.
Because of you, families are finding strength, students are discovering confidence, and lives are being restored. Your giving continues to open doors to affordable, faith-centered counseling for those who need it most, and we could not do it without you.
This fall has also brought some truly special moments of connection and community, including our Fire & Purpose dinner, where we had the privilege of sharing stories of hope, healing, and transformation
Deepest Gratitude for Our Fire & Purpose Dinner
Our hearts are full of gratitude for everyone who attended our Fire & Purpose dinner this fall. It was a beautiful evening of fellowship, connection, and shared purpose, an unforgettable reminder of how powerful it is when people come together to support hope and healing in our community.
Through your presence and generosity, we were able to share our mission, strengthen relationships, and continue building a community that believes in the power of restoration.
A very special thank you to Gwen and Micah Hefner for graciously opening their home and helping make the evening possible. Your warmth, hospitality, and attention to every detail created the perfect setting for the meaningful conversations and connections that unfolded.
We also extend our heartfelt appreciation to Chef Amante Domingo and the entire NOKA and The Russell staff for providing an extraordinary meal and an unforgettable dining experience. Your creativity and excellence made the night truly special and one that will be remembered by all who attended.
Together, this evening was more than a dinner, it was a celebration of generosity, partnership, and purpose.
With Thanks This Thanksgiving
As we gather with family and friends this Thanksgiving, we are reminded of how much we have to be thankful for, especially you.
Your generosity, faithfulness, and compassion have made a lasting difference in the lives of the children and families we serve. Because of your support, those walking through seasons of pain and uncertainty are finding hope, healing, and strength to move forward.
This Thanksgiving, we are celebrating you, the partners, donors, and friends who make this mission possible. Your continued belief in what we do keeps hope growing all year long.
Because of you, lives are being changed and hope continues to grow.
To Our Monthly Donors
As the season of gratitude settles in, we want to take a moment to recognize those whose steady, ongoing support keeps the heart of Peace Partnership beating strong. Month after month, you choose to show up for families who need hope and healing, and that kind of faithfulness is priceless.
Your generosity not only sustains our mission but continues to make lasting change possible for children, teens, and parents throughout our community. We are deeply grateful for your dedication, trust, and partnership.
Aaron Linn, Andre & Rose Fantasma, Church at Coffee Creek, Clayton & Pam Wooldridge, Dan & Gigi Rippee, Dave & Rosie Bourland, Greg & Jennifer Spears, Jason & Val Schram, Jenny Wrobleski, Jondy & Heather Britton, Jon & Naomi Thompson, John Otradovec, Linda Hartman, Mark McDonald, Matt & Kristy Newton, Mark & Cathy McGaughey, Metcalf Auto Plaza, Mike & Jan McGraw, Mike & Tracy Pruitt, Lance & Mandi Pollard, Phil & Jo Rydman, Rick & Kathy Daulton, Roger & Jennifer Madsen, Lydia Hurley, Shelly Schuman, Stone Amp SEO, Tamara Stroud, Willie & Adia Valdes, Zane & Melissa Morerod, Children’s Services Fund of Jackson County, Joel & Ruthie Morris, Mike & Carol Jackson, Rudy & Stacy Blahnik, Genesis Counseling, Denise Israel, John & Vicki Hefner, Demi Raveill
From every corner of this ministry, thank you. Your generosity is the reason we can keep showing up for kids, for families, and for healing that lasts.
We’d Love to Connect
Would you like to tour our office or grab a coffee together to hear more about our work in the community?
For more information, contact Ashley Kirn, Director of Development, at 816.716.1847 or ashley@peacecounseling.org. We would love to personally thank you for supporting our mission.
From every corner of this ministry, we thank you. Your generosity is the reason we can keep showing up; for kids, for families, and for healing that lasts.
Would you like to tour our office or grab a coffee or meal together to hear more about our work in the community?
Contact Ashley Kirn, our Director of Development, at: 816.716-1847 or ashley@peaceounseling.org. We want to get to know you and personally thank you for supporting our mission.
To make a donation through our website, please click on the link below.
Have you or someone you know been helped by Peace Partnership or Genesis Counseling? If so, would you please consider paying it forward to help another find healing along their journey? We are asking anyone who is not currently partnering with us financially to consider donating $100/year for the next 3 years to help make a difference in someone else’s life. Collectively, we can help SO MANY PEOPLE! Please consider a gift today. Call the office for help getting your gift set up or choose a recurring donation on our website here. We are so grateful for your help changing lives!
