Come Out of Hiding
- Jamie Cooke, LPC-S
- Feb 1
- 11 min read
Updated: Feb 2
By Jamie Cooke, LPC-S
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.” - Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
Why does life have to be so complicated? Why isn’t there a How-To Guide for healthy relationships? Why do I feel so alone? Chances are you’ve asked yourself some version of these questions at least once in your life. You may never have arrived at an effective answer because once spoken you realize it’s so obvious, yet takes such courage to truly confront and implement.
The truth is we all have expectations, needs, and responses in our lives and with those around us; although some of us feel that we shouldn’t or are not allowed to. Others feel we are so entitled to these that others ought to know what our expectations, needs, and responses will be. We cannot fathom being misunderstood or that other people’s internal world is different from our own. The former leads to shying away from expressing myself honestly; the latter leads to intensifying or exaggerating (often unnecessarily) in order to get my point across or my needs met.
Let me ask you this: how often in your relationships do you hide or minimize what you think or feel for the sake of the other person’s feelings or your own fear of telling the truth? Why are we so afraid of these things? The most common answer is fear of being rejected. Another is discomfort with one’s own self - or maybe even not knowing oneself. Addressing the first concern, fear of rejection, is simpler. We want to be liked, accepted, and loved. But if we are only liked, accepted, or loved if we mute or hide our thoughts and feelings, are we truly known and therefore truly accepted? We are in relationship with every person in our lives in some capacity; we have friends, spouses, coworkers, acquaintances, children, mentors, students, and even estranged relationships either current or past. When there is a rift or feelings of distance in our relationships, it is our own responsibility to take an account of how we show up in these relationships and determine what our responsibility in bridging that gap may be.
In my work with individuals, couples, and families, I’ve come to the conclusion that all relationships struggle at times because of our own hesitation to show up authentically. That’s the effective yet courageous answer to relationship conflicts I mentioned above - show up as you. The true, transparent, flawed, authentic you.
When discussing relationship complications I find one of the most revealing questions to be, “well, were you honest with them?”
I often receive looks of defeat or confusion as a response to that question. The defeated offer: “If I were honest, it would hurt their feelings.” The confused offer this answer: “No and I don’t know why.” On occasion, my client raises her eyebrows in a look of defiance and says “Oh yes I was honest, and I left no room for interpretation."
My goal in sharing this is to help my audience think about what makes honesty and authenticity so challenging or intimidating, and give reasonable responses to why it’s so important to practice anyway.
Please, step into my office.
The Defeated
Let’s talk about our fear of being rejected by hurting someone’s feelings. Think about what you want out of your relationships. Likely, the list includes lightheartedness, fun, intellectual stimulation, sometimes support or advice, and almost always, connection. If you were to find out one of your people tailors their interactions with you in order to always make you feel good, would that lead to any feelings of betrayal? Would you ask yourself, “Wait, then what does this person really think about me?” Most likely, you engage with these people because you desire the real them. That raises the question, why then do you become a chameleon in an attempt to make those around you happy? Conversely, why would you keep people around who only want to be around you because you cower to their preferences?
I often come across people who feel very alone despite having many connections. As we work together, we uncover the source of their felt isolation can be traced back to the reality that their mask of pleasantness keeps everyone at arm’s length. They feel that if they do not express a preference or opinion, everyone will be happy. Everyone but the masker, that is. What we tend to forget is our own ability to sniff out inauthenticity is not unique. We miss the sobering realization that it is in the act of sharing our genuine thoughts, feelings, and present experiences that connection is truly forged.
More on the deficits of masking to come.
The Confused
On the other hand, some of us are either unskilled in the practice of self-reflection, or are afraid to face what comes to light when we do engage in self-reflection. Whether due to shame, avoidance, numbness, arrogance, or learned helplessness, weakness in this area causes problems in every other area of our lives. For some who have survived any length of time in volatile situations, it is a survival mechanism to put on the chameleon personality mentioned above, and therefore prevents the knowing of oneself. For a great many others, any combination of factors have led to the shying away from doing the brutal yet necessary work of building character, values, thoughts, preferences, and emotionally mature responses, from the ground up.
How can one embody authenticity if one does not know who he truly is? This dilemma I face day-in and day-out in my office with young and old searchers alike. Believing that knowledge is power is a foundational tenet to examining oneself and emerging a victor rather than being crushed by what is found. A growth mindset protects one from crumbling under the realization that we are often our own worst enemies, allowing the examiner to change course and avoid simmering - wallowing - in the depths of our own failures. The only alternative is to continue on with our heads in the sand, receiving no answers, and developing no solutions, to the troubles I face in my own life.
The Steamrollers
Having discussed the importance of honesty and authenticity, let me make one thing clear. Being authentic with others is not a free pass to be a jerk, insensitive, or inflammatory for the sake of being “blunt.” We are responsible, always, for how we show up in relationships and how we treat those around us. It is a mark of emotional intelligence and of genuine respect when we engage in normal relational interactions with tact and a true effort to sand down our own rough edges. The task for the “direct communicator” that takes no responsibility for their own influence on how other people feel is to read the room and dial that intensity back to a level that accomplishes the goal of sharing thoughts and needs without steamrolling the other party. Sure, steamrollers get the job done and no one gets in the way, but at what cost? Ask yourself “When is this tactic really necessary?” The answer is not every time you open your mouth.
If you find yourself in this category, practice curiosity before engaging in your relationship. Search yourself for what you truly know about the other person. Are they intending on overpowering you, gaslighting you, or ignoring you? Could it be that their intention is innocent and they just aren’t as articulate as you? We could all benefit from taking a step back from assuming ill intent and giving the other party the benefit of the doubt; until, that is, we ask some curious questions (not accusations) to fill in the gaps before becoming defensive - or offensive.
Before a misunderstanding can happen, offer your own hesitations and immediate emotions so both of you can process and answer these questions together. Practice the skill of expressing these thoughts as they come up for you without clinging to them as The Truth of the matter. Teamwork far outweighs opposition in the realm of healthy relationships.
The Obstacles
First of all, let’s recognize what strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table of our relationships. Let’s do the work to understand what our own needs and sensitivities are. Second, let’s recognize equally that life is not all about me, but ironically, it becomes about me when I neglect tending to my needs and sensitivities.
A dynamic that all humans would benefit to understand is that of primary and secondary emotions. In short - primary emotions are the instinctual, immediate emotional response that comes about during a situation; secondary emotions are typically conditioned (by authority figures, home environment, or society) and are a response to our initial, primary emotions. Our environment informs us of how we ought to feel about how we feel, instead of just addressing the feelings that automatically come up. Many people don’t realize they try to soothe their secondary emotions and never get to the heart of why there is tension, disappointment, frustration, guilt, or shame. When we mask to “save” others from our own honest and authentic needs or feelings, that leads to tension, hiding, and building resentments which can then lead to other fights and rifts that otherwise wouldn’t exist.
If we don’t understand that our emotions are simply information that can be helpful (but not always) in discovering what it is we need and when, we will be driven by whatever random thought or feeling arises, no matter how small, like a rudder under a giant ship. For those of us wondering how in the world can I get my needs met without all the drama and fallout, the answer lies in authentic connection with ourselves and others.
The Solution
The solution is something that is quite simple to grasp yet requires some skill in executing. I must first be able to recognize what I’m feeling, then understand what I’m responding to, and what I need as a result. The skill involved in this call-to-action includes catching and naming that emotion quickly. The simple (yet so vulnerable!) part is expressing what that emotion is responding to, and allowing curious questions to guide the interaction to find out more information before settling into a verbal boxing match or masking my response instead. Authenticity requires that I allow myself to take in the information or request from the person I’m with; communicate clearly and early when I don’t like, don’t understand, or don’t agree with the information or request; and accept honest attempts at negotiation between myself and the other party. We so often jump to conclusions based on past experiences and current sensitivities that we play a part in our own anger, confusion, and drama. I’ve seen when couples, family members, friends, and classmates instead take ownership of and communicate their primary emotions before secondary emotions can even develop, crises more often are circumvented and hostility or passivity are resolved without issue. Let’s take the step toward honest, early, and authentic communication to resolve tension and conflict before it even arises. And then - when we struggle with discomfort around honesty and authenticity - let’s go ahead and name that too!
What do we truly have to lose?
If you are still thinking, “well, I don’t think that will work with my (spouse, mother, coworker)...” remember this is something you can only control within yourself and demonstrates your character and commitment to improving the situation. However the other person responds to your attempts at authentic connection is good information for how they regard you in their lives, or their willingness to match the effort you’re putting in. Don’t compromise your priorities to please someone who doesn’t value those priorities. That’s the first step in self-respect, as well as a foundational piece in living with a clear conscience and getting your relationship needs met.
Stop hiding, stop masking, start expressing. Growth lies on the outside of your comfort zone. I challenge you to consider: is it worth taking the risk required to have full, healthy, stable relationships with those around you?
February is here, and we are stepping into it with gratitude and real momentum. We are excited for what is ahead, and we are thankful you are part of the reason we can keep moving forward. We are also thrilled to welcome two new team members who are already making a difference: Alex McClain, our Office Coordinator, and Jolie Laaker, our newest Counselor. Our team even braved the weather for a staff coffee run to celebrate, because yes, we will always take a new coffee shop recommendation.
Thanks for being here with us. We are truly grateful.
Lock in your team while there is still room!!!
Come ready for a full day that feels like a win from start to finish. Great food, meaningful mission, incredible raffle prizes, a swag bag to brag about and the kind of day your group will be replaying on the drive home. Click to register now and claim your place on the course.
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Sponsorships are now open!
We are so thankful for the sponsors above for jumping in early and standing with us. We are excited to partner with you and your business for this event and the other great things ahead this year.
And it is not too late to join in. If your business wants to be part of a day that brings people together and strengthens our community, sponsorship is a meaningful way to step in. You will get strong visibility with an engaged audience, and your support helps make counseling accessible for kids, teens, adults, and families who need it most.
Questions or sponsorship help: Ashley • ashley@peacecounseling.org • 816.716.1847
We'll only text occasionally—important updates, monthly newsletters, event reminders and info, and urgent needs.
As February begins, we want to take a moment to recognize those whose steady, monthly support keeps the heart of Peace Partnership strong. Month after month, you choose to show up for families who need hope and healing, and that kind of faithfulness is priceless.
Your generosity sustains our mission and helps keep counseling affordable and accessible for children, teens, adults, and parents throughout our community, especially those who might otherwise go without care. We are truly thankful for your trust, your partnership, and the consistency of your support.
We’re praying February is joyful, healthy, and deeply blessed for you and your family. From all of us at Peace Partnership, thank you for being part of this mission.
Aaron Linn, Andre & Rose Fantasma, Charles & Arletta McCrary, Brandon & Vanessa Blanchard, Children’s Services Fund of Jackson County, Church at Coffee Creek, Clayton & Pam Wooldridge, Cornerstone Counseling & Consulting, Cyndi Eskina, Dan & Gigi Rippee, Dave & Rosie Bourland, Demi Raveill, Denise Israel, Doug & Linda Davenport, EPR Properties, Genesis Counseling, Greg & Charlotte Shireman, Greg & Jennifer Spears, Greg & Teri Roy, High Street Church, Jamie & Jennie Gaffney, Jason & Val Schram, JE Hefner Co, Jeremiah 924 Foundation, Jenny Wrobleski, Joe & Shannon Reynolds, Joel & Ruthie Morris, John & Vicki Hefner, John Otradovec, Jon & Naomi Thompson, Jondy & Heather Britton, Lance & Mandi Pollard, Lee & Debbie Miller, Linda Hartman, Lydia Hurley, Mark & Cathy McGaughey, Mark McDonald, Matt & Kristy Newton, Matthew & Penny Mills, Metcalf Auto Plaza, Michael & Julie Hirons, Micah & Gwen Hefner, Michelle Gibler, Mike & Carol Jackson, Mike & Jan McGraw, Mike & Shannon Horsley, Mike & Tracy Pruitt, Mitch & Jennifer Rappard, Natalie Key, Phil & Jo Rydman, Phil Thomas, Rex & Mary Luchtel, Rick & Kathy Daulton, Roger & Jennifer Madsen, Rudy & Stacy Blahnik, Shawn & Ashley Luchtel, Shelly Schuman, Stone Amp SEO, Stuart & Janis Thompson, Tamara Stroud, Tim & Janet Owens, Willie & Adia Valdes, Zane & Melissa Morerod, Zarda Foods LLC
From every corner of this ministry, thank you. Your generosity is the reason we can keep showing up for kids, for families, and for healing that lasts.
We’d love to schedule a time to share more about Peace Partnership and the heart behind what we do. You’re welcome to visit our office for a quick tour, and we’ll make you a fresh pour-over coffee while you’re here. Or we’d love to treat you to coffee at a local coffee shop and connect that way.
Most of all, thank you for supporting our mission and for being open to learning more.
For more information or to schedule a time, contact:
Ashley Kirn,
Director of Development
816.716.1847
Have you or someone you know been helped by Peace Partnership or Genesis Counseling? If so, would you consider paying it forward so another person can begin their journey?
If you are not currently partnering with us financially, we invite you to consider a recurring gift of $100 per year for the next 3 years.
Together, those gifts help us meet real needs and keep counseling accessible.
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Thank you for helping change lives one family at a time.
