Disrupting The Cycle
- Kevin Cohan, MA
- 6 days ago
- 9 min read
By Kevin Cohan, MA
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Once friendship is no longer at the source of a relationship it begins to fail. If friendship is not at the source, then what takes its place? On some level the relationship becomes performance-based. When primary needs are not being met, then couples resort to trying to get secondary needs met. What is a primary need in a relationship? After listening to many couples in my office, I have seen that positive attention and quality time are two of the biggest primary needs that must be met for a friendship to succeed. Performance-based relationships that focus on getting secondary needs met have an emphasis on tasks like chores around the house, finances, the kids, etc. This will thrust couples into a competitive score-keeping contest that no one really wins.
The above diagram represents the cycle that couples enter as a result of trying to win. Let me share some real-life examples to paint a picture of what this process looks like. First, there is always a triggering event that starts things off. The triggering event for Couple A was that someone would take something personally. Then they would argue a little bit. After they argued for a little bit, there would be a cooling down period. The cooling down period would bring about a good conversation. Couple A wanted to know how they could arrive at having a good conversation sooner - without having to go through their whole cycle.
I asked Couple A what happens between the cooling down period and their good conversation? This is what they responded with: (1) we acknowledge one another’s emotions, (2) one person will use “I” statements, (3) a question such as, “Can you help me understand?”, is asked to gain more clarification, and (4) each person takes the proper amount of ownership. In an attempt to disrupt their cycle sooner, Couple A found great success by moving steps 1- 4 between their triggering event and taking things personally instead of waiting until they have cooled down.
During war time (which is what conflict between couples can feel like) a scout was sent out to see if there was danger ahead. Once the scout came back—hopefully he came back—he would report whether or not it was safe for the rest of the troops to move forward. In the case of Couple A, a scout could come in the form of questions that could potentially diffuse or disarm any enemy combatants. “Hey, is everything okay?”, or “What do you need from me right now?”, could serve to disrupt a cycle of conflict. If these questions were deployed before things were taken personally by Couple A, then they could possibly disrupt their cycle sooner.
Disrupting one’s cycle is something that can be done individually as well. Client B’s cycle looked like this: Triggering Event: Fear that he wouldn’t perform well during a sporting event. He then started overthinking. This led to him focusing on stuff he couldn’t control. He noticed that he would become quiet and shut down. As an end result, he would underperform. We took each stage of his cycle and broke down ways in which he could possibly disrupt them. For overthinking, he said that he could remind himself of the truth of how good he is at his sport. Another suggestion was to watch motivational videos for inspiration and focus. When it came to focusing on stuff that he couldn’t control, the goal was to focus on things that were in his control. Serving and encouraging others helped him focus on an area that he could succeed in.
The last stage of his cycle was to become quiet and shut down. The first disruptor for this was to ask for encouragement. This is when it really matters what kind of support system you have. It is important to have the right kind of people in your life that can encourage you. If you don’t have people in your life that are good at this, then it would be hard to ask for help in this area, and it might be time to find some new friends. The second disruptor he came up with surprised me. He said that he could participate more in life. He realized that by being passive and shutting down he was only delaying getting the help he needed.
Recovery time is important, but the overall goal is to achieve wellness. Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t even have to enter into your cycle? In order to carry this out you first have to know this can be a painful process. The reason for this is because you will have to deal with it at the source. That part of your life that you have yet to deal with because you might not have figured out how. But if you find yourself having to disrupt your cycle, then you are already in it. And you are consistently operating from a very reactive and defensive position. Let me show you how this chain of events takes place:
Source of past pain - Triggering event - React - Enter into your cycle - Become upset - Defensive position
So, what does it look like to deal with things at the source? You will want to spend some time here and reflect. This is often the painful part. Once you have determined what is at the source of your pain, then you are going to want to deal with it in the present. We cannot deal with it in the past because nothing changes there. In the present we can take a look at it through the eyes of someone who has hopefully grown and matured since then.
For example, let’s say that someone hurt you in a specific way in the past. You find a way to forgive them in the present. Upon reflection you realize that you have hurt people and they have forgiven you. I know I’m leaving out a lot of details, but as you can see, the person in the example above had a perspective change. Now the next time someone attempts to hurt you in that same specific way you shouldn’t be triggered so quickly, if at all. Here is the new chain of events that takes place:
Source of present pain - Triggering event - Reflect - New perspective - Forgive - Offensive position
The healing process can be a difficult road to travel. I would encourage you not to travel it alone. Find someone in your life that you can talk to about these things. There are no shortcuts to real change. The bonus is that when you change you get to be healthier and have healthier relationships. The sooner you take personal responsibility and deal with things at the source, the sooner you will be able to move forward in life, and not stay stuck in the past. Don’t you think it’s time to have a year filled with more joy, peace, and happiness?
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Our 4th Annual Sporting Clay Tournament is officially open, and we’re giving early access to our newsletter community. The action happens Thursday, May 14, 2026.
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As we step into a new year, we want to take a moment to recognize those whose steady, ongoing support keeps the heart of Peace Partnership strong. Month after month, you choose to show up for families who need hope and healing, and that kind of faithfulness is priceless.
Your generosity sustains our mission and makes lasting change possible for children, teens, adults, and parents throughout our community. We are deeply grateful for your trust, your partnership, and the consistency of your support.
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