How To Win In Your Marriage
- Kevin Cohan, MA
- Jun 2
- 12 min read
Updated: Jun 9
What does a healthy relationship consist of?
Attachment styles can help fill in a piece of this puzzle – as they help explain how people can think and behave concerning relationships. If you have an anxious attachment style, you are more likely to experience fear of rejection, distrust, and a strong desire for your partners approval. If you have an avoidant attachment style you are more likely to run when things are too confrontational. You can also tend to become emotional and guarded. When a person has a secure attachment style, they engage in healthy relationships with good intimacy, communication, and autonomy. They also express their needs well, trust their partner, and find the relationship fulfilling.
Curt Thompson says that “Secure attachment is fostered in environments in which there is a premium placed on empathy, attunement, mindfulness, and the proper setting of limits.”. The “proper setting of limits” is a very important step in the development of healthy relationships. Too much freedom in a relationship can cause us to become so comfortable that we abandon the rules. Not enough freedom can cause us to feel suffocated by the rules. It is by design that God gave us limits. One reason for this is so that we will need one another – sharing in each others victories and suffering, which is what true care looks like.
The Book of First Corinthians highlights this perfectly:
"And the eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’; On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it" (1 Corinthians 12:21-26).
This is good news. We don’t have to suffer alone!
Let’s take a look at how this specifically relates to marriage. The relation is clearly seen in the book of Genesis:
“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18).
What does it look like for a wife to be a suitable helper? In her article titled, “What are the Christian Roles of Husband and Wife” Focus on the Family author Janel Breitenstein does an excellent job answering that question when she points out that “helper” is translated from the Hebrew word “ezer”. She says, “We diminish this role crushingly when helper equals maid/babysitter/administrative-assistant-with- benefits. We’d never cast this role on God when the Psalms declare ‘Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help (ezer) and our shield’ (Psalm 33:20). Author Jo Saxton quotes scholars who observe ‘ezer’ combines words meaning ‘to rescue,’ ‘to save,’ and ‘to be strong.’ Dr. Timothy Keller emphasizes that ‘ezer’ implies having resources the other person doesn’t have.”.
By not receiving help from their wives, men are choosing to limit their resources.
Of course, marriage is not a one-sided arrangement, where only the wives are helping their husbands. The Apostle Paul lays out this edict to husbands:
"Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So, husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body" (Ephesians 5:25-30).
Men are called to nourish and cherish their wives. Out of all the women that I have counseled, I have yet to find a single one that disagrees with three of the things that I have observed women want:
Women want to be cherished.
Women want to be pursued.
Women want to be reassured.
I could tell you some of the ways to accomplish this, however everyone is different. If you’re curious about how you should accomplish this in your relationship, my advice would be to ask your wife the specific ways that she feels cherished, pursued, and reassured. This will provide targets that you can aim for on any given day. You don’t even have to be a dead shot! Women grade on a curve. If they see that you are even trying to get it right, they will be quick to meet you half way. It’s okay at first if you feel that you have imposter syndrome. This comes with all change. It’s better to fumble around in the dark looking for the light, than to just sit in the middle of the room. We get no points when we give up trying.
Now that we have talked about some of the things that women want, what about men? While women have many targets for men to hit, men would be eternally grateful if the targets were visible. Not only do they have to be visible, but it is also helpful that confirmation is provided once the targets have been hit. This takes the pressure off.
As husbands, we have been tasked with protecting our wives – we were commissioned to “cultivate and keep” the garden and all that was in it (Genesis 2:15). At the end of the day, men want to feel like they have accomplished this. Men are competitive & like to win, especially when it comes to the heart of their woman. This instinct plays out in day-to-day life as the desire to fix things. How can knowing this help women? Typically, women do not like it when men try to just “fix it”. When a woman goes to her husband, attempting to have a conversation about how she had a bad day and/or she’s dealing with someone that is difficult, usually the last thing she wants is for her husband to jump right in and start fixing things. What she is searching for in that moment is connection and empathy. This disconnect in how men and women relate can cause frustration. However, knowing that fixing the problem at hand is how men show and receive love will allow wives to respond well the next time he wants to “fix it”. It’s because he cares. Maybe he is reaching into his tool box, but keeps grabbing the wrong tools. Help him win by guiding him toward the right tools: empathy, understanding, a listening ear, and quality time.
All of the tools that were just mentioned are very relational in nature. They help a couple produce the emotional connection that is necessary for a marriage to flourish. Love and belonging are also very important. Brené Brown is a researcher who spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her research has helped us learn that there is a stark difference between people who experience a strong sense of love and belonging from those who don’t. The main difference is that those who experience it believe they are “worthy of it”.
After surveying many people, Brown found that everyone who believed they were worthy of love and belonging had four traits in common:
Courage: “Telling who you are with your whole heart. They had the courage to be imperfect.”
Compassion: “They were kind to themselves and to others.”
Connection: "Their connections were rooted in authenticity (letting go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were).”
Vulnerability: "They embraced vulnerability as something that was necessary for connection.”
Vulnerability is the key that brings the other three traits together. It takes great courage to put yourself out there in an authentic way. Can you get hurt? Yes. Is there risk involved? Yes. But is it such a bad thing to be rejected by the wrong person? This just weeds them out, which leaves room for the right person. How sweet it is when we are paired together with the right person. We are reminded that we were created to “know and be known”. The last thing we want is to experience a disconnect in our marriage. These six biblical truths are essential in maintaining emotional connection:
Truth One: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Other than God, no one should come before the marriage relationship!
Truth Two: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25).
A genuine connection is rooted in transparency and vulnerability!
Truth Three: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5).
Do not withhold intimacy from one another and devote yourselves to prayer!
Truth Four: “For I will be merciful to their iniquities, And I will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8: 12).
Keeping a record of wrongs will only store up more bitterness and resentment!
Truth Five: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4: 9,10).
Pick each other up when you fall, or one of you may stay down!
Truth Six: “But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place – unless you repent” (Revelation 2: 4-5).
Return to your first love (God), Remember where you came from, repent and repeat what you did to make your relationship successful to begin with!
With God as our first love, believing in the created dignity of your spouse, and applying God’s truths - we can stay emotionally connected in our marriage. We can actively foster a healthy environment. Recognizing the godly boundaries in our lives enables us to rely on our spouse, as well as fulfill our own unique role in bringing God glory. May your marriage be glorious to God.
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. This event wouldn’t have been possible without the incredible individuals and businesses who believe in our mission. Your support allows us to continue providing affordable, life-changing counseling to families and kids in our community and that means everything to us. Your generosity is the reason we can do what we do and we don’t take that for granted.
We were so excited to bring this event back, and the overwhelming support we received truly meant the world to us. Whether you came out to shoot, sponsored, donated to our raffle, or helped in any capacity, you played a vital role in making it all happen.
A heartfelt thank you to iPlumbKC, our presenting sponsor, for their continued commitment year after year. Their belief in us is instrumental in bringing events like this to life.
To Zarda BBQ, thank you for always showing up with amazing food and service. You help make every one of our events unforgettable.
We also want to thank The Giving Branch for stepping in with generous sponsorship and for believing in our cause—we look forward to building something lasting with you. And to JE Hefner Company, your ongoing support continues to help us expand our reach and impact.
We truly can’t wait to see how much this event grows next year. With your support, we’re building something that lasts.
Ready to stay involved? Join us for our next event—our upcoming Golf Tournament!
Sign up today and help us keep this momentum going:
🎉 Registration is NOW OPEN for the 9th Annual Peace Partnership Golf Classic!
📅 Thursday, September 25, 2025 | Adams Pointe Golf Club
We’re excited to welcome back Con Carpet once again as our Presenting Sponsor and officially kick off registration for our biggest event of the year—and we want YOU to be part of it!
Whether you're swinging a club, sponsoring a hole, or donating a raffle item, your involvement directly supports the life-changing counseling and mental health services we provide to children, families, and individuals who need it most.
⛳ Here’s how you can make a difference:
Sign up a team and enjoy a day of fun, food, and fundraising
Sponsor the event and put your business in front of a community that values generosity
Donate to our raffle or auction to help us raise critical funds
Invite friends and colleagues to join in on a meaningful, mission-driven day
💰 $700 per team | $175 per player
⏰ Check-in: 7:30 AM | Shotgun Start: 8:30 AM
🍳 Breakfast, lunch, beverages, and awards included
🎟 Contests, raffles, and a silent auction throughout the day!
This event sells out every year, so don’t wait! Rally your team and help us bring hope and healing through every swing.
👉 Register or sponsor today at www.peacecounseling.org
📞 Questions? Contact Ashley Kirn at 816.716.1847 or ashley@peacecounseling.org
Let’s make this our most impactful year yet—we can’t wait to see you on the green!
Honoring the Generosity That Moves Our Mission Forward
As we welcome June—a season of warmth, renewal, and forward momentum—we pause with gratitude to reflect on the faithful generosity of those who partner with us. Your support is the steady force that allows families to find hope, healing, and lasting transformation. Every gift, sponsorship, and show of encouragement helps us reach further and love deeper.
We are deeply grateful for each of our May partners:
With sincere admiration, we honor Rick & Jan Britton with Jeremiah 924 Foundation. Your unwavering commitment from the very beginning continues to inspire and bless our mission.
A heartfelt thank-you to Chris & Kim Thiele for your generous gift in response to our Spring Report. Your thoughtfulness helps us meet real and pressing needs.
We are truly grateful to Jason Schram with A.L. Huber for your Sporting Clay Sponsorship. Your support of this event expands our ability to serve even more families across our community.
Welcome to our new Sporting Clay Team members: Dominic DeFeo, Levi Fields, and Judd Kirn! And welcome back to returning teams: Mike & Shannon Horsley and Dan Stark. Your involvement brings joy and momentum to an event that fuels life-changing work.
A special thank-you to Roger & Laura Neir with Con Carpet for your Presenting Golf Sponsorship. Your partnership plays a major role in the continued success of this meaningful event.
To all of our faithful monthly and recurring supporters — THANK YOU from our Peace Partnership team! – Stone AMP SEO, Jeff & Lacey Cherry, Zane & Melissa Morerod, Children’s Services Fund of Jackson County, Mark McDonald, Jondy & Heather Britton, Matt & Kristy Newton, Mark & Cathy McGaughey, Greg & Jennifer Spears, Roger & Jennifer Madsen, Metcalf Auto Plaza, Mike & Jan McGraw, Willie & Adia Valdes, Shelly Schuman, Mike & Carol Jackson, Blue Springs Christian Church, Linda Hartman, Dave & Rosie Bourland, Clean Heart Maids, Rudy & Stacy Blahnik, Mike & Tracy Pruitt, Clayton & Pam Wooldridge, Dan & Gigi Rippee, Andre & Rose Fantasma, Kevin Quinn, Genesis Counseling, Scott & Lydia Hurley, Jon & Naomi Thompson, John Otradovec, Lance & Mandi Pollard, Tamara Stroud, Rick & Kathy Daulton, Aaron Linn, Joel & Ruthie Morris, Church at Coffee Creek, John & Vicki Hefner, Jenny Glasgow, Denise Israel, Summit Springs Church, Phil & Jo Rydman, Brandon & Vanessa Blanchard, Jason & Val Schram, and Rick & Jan Britton.
Because of you, lives are being changed. Thank you for standing with us and making healing possible.
Would you like to tour our office or grab a coffee or meal together to hear more about our work in the community?
Contact Naomi Thompson, our Director of Development, at: 816.272.0653 or naomi@peacecounseling.org. We want to get to know you and personally thank you for supporting our mission. To make a donation through our website, please click on the link below.
Your Impact Is Here! Read Our 2025 Spring Report!
Have you or someone you know been helped by Peace Partnership or Genesis Counseling? If so, would you please consider paying it forward to help another find healing along their journey? We are asking anyone who is not currently partnering with us financially to consider donating $100/year for the next 3 years to help make a difference in someone else’s life. Collectively, we can help SO MANY PEOPLE! Please consider a gift today. Call the office for help getting your gift set up or choose a recurring donation on our website here. We are so grateful for your help changing lives!
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